Why?? [scream of anguish]
| a portafilter, for the unitiated |
I have just made myself a lovely tasty cup of frothy coffee with my frothy coffee machine. It is one of those where you pretend you are a barista in a coffee shop. You put ground coffee in a portafilter, tamp it down and put it in the machine, turning it firmly anti-clockwise to create a seal. The machine then pumps hot water through the coffee and creates an espresso. Then I heat up hot milk with the steam nozzle and add it to the espresso for a lovely, fresh, tasty, calming cup of coffee.
There is some cleaning required afterwards. The porta filter is turned clockwise and comes out of its housing. The used coffee grounds are put into the composting bin. The nozzles are wiped (and a cleaning jet of steam blasted through). The surfaces are all cleaned and the machine is put back in its snug little place on the surface.
So why, when I have done this for ages without a problem, does my coffee machine decide today that it is going to do something different? The coffee-making routine went as it normally does. I had my mug of frothy coffee made and waiting for me. I cleaned the nozzles (blasting through a cleansing jet of steam as well). Then I turned the portafilter clockwise (which is the direction to remove it, you will recall) and there was a theatrical “Phooof!” and used coffee grounds showered over the kitchen.
Why???
It seems that a degree of pressure must have built up in the portafilter and this was released in a cascade of coffee grounds when I removed the portafilter. [Must make a mental note to release the portafilter more gently next time in case this is a new routine the machine has created for itself]
But why is it doing it now? I have been very caring for the machine, only filling it with water that has come through our water filter jug, so there is no limescale at all in the system. I clean it each time. I care for it. I cherish it (and the coffee it creates for me). So why, now, has it decided to do something different and disappointing?
I have a horrible feeling that this is how God sees me sometimes. Why, after he has lavished his love on me, given me his Spirit, been an active part of my life for 40 years, called me to be a Minister, placed me in a great church, given me a wonderful family, blessed me beyond measure, why do I still mess things up and do things to disappoint him?
I find some comfort in Romans 7, where Paul writes of how he wrestles with sin’s pull on his life. Even Paul felt the tensions I feel. I don’t read Romans 7 with any sense of satisfaction though. It articulates the struggle within us, but does not excuse it. I long to be in a place where Romans 7 is merely descriptive of my past, but suspect that won’t be until I have shuffled off this mortal coil, curled up my tootsies and gone to join the choir invisible. In the meantime I know that God’s Spirit continues to work within me. He helps me to be a follower of Jesus. He prompts, reminds, suggests, warns and helps me to follow Jesus instead of giving in to sin. I need to listen to him more.
And I do find some comfort in the fact that I am dissatisfied with myself as I am. Romans 7 was written because Paul did not want to be that way. He longed to be free of sin. If I ever become happy with how I am that is when I need to worry more.
And I echo Paul’s response to his own wrestling with sin:
“Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!”
(Rom 7:25)
You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
nukelearfishing 
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