A Danish folktale (sort of)

With apologies to Hans Christian Andersen

There was once a land ruled by a vain Emperor. He loved saying how great he was: “The best Emperor ever, people are all saying that.”

The Emperor loved it even more when people said nice things about him and he would give jobs to the people who would say the nicest things about him and always agree with him.

But the Emperor hated it when people disagreed with him, or pointed out when he was wrong. So he came up with a very clever idea (the cleverest idea ever, they say). Anything that someone else said that he didn’t like, he called ‘Fake News’. People who said the things he didn’t like, he also called ‘Fake News’. The people around him quickly learnt that if they wanted to keep their job they should only say nice things about the Emperor and agree with whatever he said.

The Emperor did more or less what he wanted because the people around him all agreed, and everyone else either believed him when he said something was ‘Fake News’, were scared about being called ‘Fake News’ themselves or were being ignored by everyone else because the Emperor had called what they were saying ‘Fake News’.

One day a Russian tailor came to the Emperor’s court. He told the Emperor that he could make him the most wonderful suit. It would be the best suit ever. Everyone would be in awe of him because of his amazing suit. The suit was so special that people would immediately think that the Emperor must be really clever to have bought such an amazing suit.

The Emperor believed the Russian tailor, and didn’t even ask how much it would cost: “I bigly want that suit,” he said.

The suit would cost a fortune, but the Emperor didn’t care – he wanted the suit so that everyone would say how great he was and how clever he looked. So the Russian tailor took the Emperor’s money and went away.

A month later he came back to the court. He stood in front of the Emperor and all his officials and held up an empty coat hanger. The Russian tailor smiled a secret smile to himself and then announced in a loud voice, “Emperor, this suit is so special that only really clever people like you can see it.”

Most of the people standing there realised that the Russian tailor was holding up an empty coathanger and that there was no suit, but nobody said anything. They waited to see what the Emperor would do.

“I love it!” said the Emperor, “I am the cleverest person in the world, everybody is saying that. I can see how amazing the suit is.”

The Emperor and the Russian tailor went out of the room so the Emperor could try on the suit. The Emperor took off his clothes and the Russian tailor pretended to dress him in the special suit of clothes that only really clever people could see.

They came back into the room and everyone gasped. The Emperor was completely naked, and while his head was orange the rest of his body was pale white.

“It’s the best suit ever,” said the Emperor, “everybody is saying that.”

And everyone agreed. Nobody wanted to be thought of as not being clever, and nobody wanted to be called ‘Fake News’.

The Emperor decided that he was going to wear his special suit on national television to address the nation. The television director raised her eyebrows when the naked Emperor walked into the room. She was about to say something, but someone whispered in her ear and she paused, thought for a moment and said, “That’s a very special suit, Emperor.”

The Emperor was pleased and told her that he was going to do the broadcast standing up so that everyone could see his special suit. The director tried to come up with a good reason why he shouldn’t do that without her being fired or told she was ‘Fake News’ but she couldn’t, so she agreed. All of the TV crew were told about the special suit and they all agreed not to say anything.

The time came for the broadcast to go live and the naked Emperor with the orange head and pale body stood in front of the cameras.

“Three, two, one… Action!” called the director.

“My fellow Am…” began the Emperor.

But just as he started speaking, an intern who had not heard about the special suit came into the room. She started laughing and shouted out: “Why is the Emperor naked!?”

There was a shocked silence. Nobody knew what to do or say.

The Emperor’s face went even more orange. People weren’t sure if it was embarrassment or anger. Probably both.

After the longest five seconds in history the Emperor looked into the camera and said, “If you think like that intern, that just shows how stupid you are. You are the stupidest person ever. You are Fake News!”

And just like that everyone carried on as before. The broadcast continued with the naked Emperor standing in front of the camera. After the broadcast everyone said how amazing the suit was and how good the broadcast had been.

Except the intern. Who was fired.

And the Russian tailor. Who just couldn’t stop laughing.