the path to sainthood

A woman had a dream. In her dream she went up to heaven and saw behind the scenes. She was taken to the control room and saw all manner of amazing things. She saw how every prayer was treated with honour and respect. She saw a computer that counted the number of hairs on every single person’s head. And she saw an area that was labelled ‘The Path to Sainthood’.

In that part of the control room were thousands of candles and each candle burned brighter as people were becoming more saintly. The brighter the candle the more saintly they were becoming. As she looked she saw many names beside the candles that she did not recognise. These were people whose acts and lifestyle went unnoticed by most of the world but who were making a difference to the lives of those around them.

But she also saw some names she recognised and was pleased to see that the names of the Archbishop of Canterbury and Pope Francis were brighter than many. But then she noticed that one surprising name was becoming brighter by the second and soon was brighter than all of the rest.

Donald Trump.

She was taken aback by this and asked the angel who was accompanying her why Donald Trump was considered to be more saintly than the Archbishop of Canterbury and Pope Francis.

The angel smiled serenely and said, “Since he became President of the United States of America people have started praying bigly!”
Regardless of what you think of those who have been elected, do pray for them. Bigly!

Be blessed, be a blessing

corny joke

I hope that you had a good Christmas. I hope that you found what you were hoping for – not just in a stocking, pillow case or under a tree, but in the friendships, family relationships and your relationship with God.

other makes of corned beef are available

A man went on a camping trip with his wife. He had been left to do the catering and had only brought three cans of corned beef. She was a bit miffed, but decided to let it lie. The first evening they sat down to eat and his wife was intrigued to see him get out his multi-function penknife, open out the can opener tool, and proceed to open the can with the can opener. Again, she let it lie and they ate the corned beef.

The next evening he got out the second can of corned beef, and once again opened it using his can opener tool from his penknife. His wife almost said something, but decided against it as they were having such a good time away. They ate the corned beef in silence, though.

The third night the man got out the third tin of corned beef and started to open the can opener from his penknife. His wife couldn’t resist any longer.

“Honey,” she asked gently, playing the innocent, “What’s that key on the top of the can for?”

“Silly you,” patronised the man, “That’s for people who don’t have a penknife with a can opener attachment.”

If you are one of the male of the species about now is when you will have to consider consulting the instruction manuals that came with the gadgets and presents you were given because we all know that they are like the key on a can of corned beef – just there for people who can’t work it out on their own.

But when we do consult the instructions (or more likely download them) we find that they are actually quite useful. We find out what that button actually does, you know – the one that we thought didn’t do anything. We find out about how to get the best out of the present. We find out what it can really do.

Perhaps in 2016 we should treat our Bibles less like a bloke treats an instruction manual and find out how much more God has for us…

Be blessed, be a blessing.

lol, rotfl, or jars?*

pubI went into a pub at lunchtime recently and was rather surprised when I went in there was nobody else there. The place was empty.

I looked around and saw an old fashioned Space Invaders machine in the corner. I couldn’t resist so put the coins in and started defending the earth from the relentless slowly advancing aliens.

Suddenly I heard a voice: “I don’t know why you are bothering to play this game, you’re rubbish!”

I looked around but there was still nobody there.

I carried on and the voice spoke again: “You’ve just wasted your money. You might as well give up now.”

There was still nobody visible and it sounded like the speech was coming from inside the machine.

I continued and the voice spoke a third time: “Give up slaphead!”

I was so thrown by this that I forgot to watch for the missiles from above and lost my last life.

Rather upset and perturbed by this abuse I headed towards the bar, looking for some bar staff. There was nobody around but there were some peanuts in a bowl on the counter. I reached out to take a few when another voice spoke from nowhere: “Hello, it’s nice to see someone who is looking so smart come in here.”

I looked all over the pub and there was nobody around. As I reached for the peanuts again I heard the voice: “We don’t often get someone of your calibre in here.”

There was still nobody around and I started to get worried that I was losing my mind, while at the same time feeling better after the verbal mauling by the Space Invaders machine.

Suddenly, as if by magic, a barmaid appeared behind the bar. I went over to her and explained about  the abuse from the video game and the nice things the nuts seemed to be saying.

“Oh yes,” she said knowingly. “You see the nuts are complimentary, but the machine’s out of order.”

Be blessed, be a blessing

*lol = laughing out loud; rotfl = rolling on the floor, laughing; jars = just about raising a smile (a new one I have just created)

light content

I am feeling levitatious (in need of levity) and my funny bone is feeling ticklish. So today I offer you a joke. I have told it before, but it’s a good one, especially if you can put yourself into the story…

A young girl was writing an essay for school and asked her father for help, “Dad, what is the difference between annoyance, anger and exasperation?”

The father picked up the telephone and dialled a number at random. A man who answered the phone and the father said, “Hello, is Melvin there?”

The man answered, “There is no one living here named Melvin. You’ve got the wrong number.”

The father said to his daughter, “That man was not happy with my call. I annoyed him. Now watch…”

The father hit the redial button. “Hello, is Melvin there?”

“Now look here!” came the heated reply. “You just called this number, and I told you that there is no Melvin here!” The receiver was slammed down hard.

The father turned to his daughter and said, “You see, that was anger. Now I’ll show you what exasperation is.”

He redialled the number, and a violent voice roared, “WHAT?”

The father calmly said, “Hello, this is Melvin. Have there been any calls for me?”

Be blessed, be a blessing and try not to exasperate anyone 🙂