I have volunteered to be the compère at some of the Mid Essex Magical Society‘s shows. In preparation I have been looking for some good ways to introduce my friends. I have found some lovely ones (which I am going to keep for the shows) but also came across these ways of introducing people (mainly after-dinner speakers) which made me chuckle. Some of them may take you a moment to get but I like the wit in all of them:

Before we begin, I want to point out the exits in case the fire alarm goes off – or the speaker won’t get off.

Character, integrity, principle. People want to know why she hasn’t run for public office. I just told you.

Here is a man who has done for banquet audiences what the Titanic did for the winter cruise business.

I’m not making a speech tonight, so I won’t put you to sleep. But after the other speakers are finished, I promise I will wake you up.

It’s always a pleasure to speak to a group so sincerely dedicated to limiting the growth of the money supply – a dedication I first became aware of when I discussed my fee.

Our next speaker is very active in Church… she squirms and fidgets and wiggles.

Our next speaker says a businesswoman has to be twice as good as a man. Fortunately, that’s not hard to do.

[insert speaker’s name] says the best years of her life were the ten years between 29 and 30.

No deep and meaningful thoughts accompany these, other than to ask you how you would like to be introduced: what attributes would you like emphasised? What would you rather was not mentioned?

Be blessed, be a blessing