health and safety gone mad

Vector parchment with a pen and ink. Icon for records
Vector parchment with a pen and ink. Icon for records

Dear Sir

You currently are licensed as the owner of  the hotel known as “The King’s Head”. It has come to our attention that you are no longer compliant with the terms of your business licence regarding the provision of adequate parking, that you have failed to apply for a ‘change of business use’ permit for your premises, and that your unlawful use of said premises was in breach of 37 different health and safety regulations and byelaws.

Your Business Licence stipulates the minimum requirements for the parking arrangements in your hotel, namely one parking space per room. However at a recent undercover inspection our Hotel Inspector noted  that on the night of his visit not only did you no longer have the minimum number of available parking spaces, as one of them was being used as an additional bedroom, but that you had also failed to filed in advance a form 4134374138 requesting said change of use from parking space to bedroom.

Furthermore, the Hotel Inspector was alarmed at the disregard of Health and Safety regulations relating to several distinct aspects of the said change of use of the parking space. Even if you had submitted form 4134374138 requesting said change of use it would have been refused in the light of these breaches, namely:

  1. Overcrowding: a space that size is normally only adequate for one passenger conveyance is certainly insufficient for two people (the named occupants in the Hotel Register), never mind three (the third occupant, a minor, did not appear in the Register).
  2. Noisy neighbours: during the evening of the Hotel Inspector’s stay there were three very loud interruptions. The first sounded like a maternity ward, the second was when certain poor shepherds arrived shouting and singing about a choir of angels, and later in the evening some people who alleged that they were three ‘Kings of Orientar’ barged into the hotel and crowded into the already over-occupied ‘room’ previously allocated as a parking space. Existing guests complained of a lack of sleep the next morning caused by these disturbances.
  3. Hygiene: the unsanitary nature of the accommodation offered by the former parking space rendered it unfit for human habitation. To put it delicately, there was plenty of evidence that the space had not long before been used as a parking space for a conveyance which had a leaky sump.
  4. Furniture: even if the space had been adequate for the occupants and in a sanitary condition, the inspector noted the lack of appropriate furniture – there was a distinct lack of beds, chairs, bedside tables, dressing tables and, on closer inspection, it was clear that the even cot provided for the newly arrived infant occupant was in fact a feeding trough.

Under normal circumstances we would be throwing the book at you, prosecuting you for the 37 violations of the Health and Safety Regulations, fining you for the failure to submit in advance a form 4134374138 and the failure to provide adequate parking.

However, the recent unannounced military manoeuvres in our district are occupying all of our staff who were hitherto facilitating the tax census, so you may consider this a written warning. I trust that things will be back to normal at our next inspection.

Yours sincerely

Mr Hutchinson, Bethlehem Department of Administrative Affairs

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